this tapestry of mine is coming undone
unraveling as i try to hold on
it's tearing at the seams
these present circumstances unforeseen
pangs of panic and self-doubt
crying tears as i throw punches in the dark
i'm lost and confused
finding no hope to choose
in a state of disarray
as i watch these days, these nights slip away
people coming at me with their notions of wisdom
can't lash out, strangled by all their commotion
dreams of running flood my mind
packing up, fleeing to find
a private solace, a refuge
a life that is mine where i can choose
to be who i know is fighting to break free
to be who i am, the woman inside of me
but i am stuck now here in this mire
in this place where responsibility and duty conspire
and as i watch life pass, move on frame by frame
i'm finding myself having to push pause again
deep inside me there's a longing for something more
knowing that there's more than what i have to live for
somewhere out there in that unseen territory
under the vast expanse where stars shine so freely
there is a man, a life, a home awaiting
there is a faith and hope that is calling
a great artist whom no one has seen
anonymous in frame save for his glory
that spreads like waves over everything
each whisper of the wind and lark's sweet notes sing
with masterful hands and artistic flare
he paints the skies in colors bold and fair
and he grabs hold now of these unraveling threads
reweaving them to mirror the masterpiece in his head
wiping away all my ideas and what i thought best
his hands work gently wanting me to let go of the rest
but still in my foolishness i can't seem to comply
fearing the pain, remembering the times i'd have rather died
and yet he tells me with a voice so lovely:
"annie, you must be broken if you want to be free"
and though i know what he says is true
it's hard to bid what i have made adieu
and as he looks at me with undeserved kindness
i find myself safe in his sweet caress
and no matter how much i try and fight it
i will forever be in his grace-filled grip
he will do what he must to make me see
that it's in him i should trust, and not in me
it's a hard lesson for one so stubborn
to find joy in suffering and in my being reborn
into a family, a heavenly fold
my life from death purchased, to christ is sold
a poet once said that he would hold onto jesus
charged to let go of the reigns, to simply trust
if ever we are to feel whole once again
we must entrust this life in the creator's hands
and now i will let him take this life so worn and frayed
to now and forever be changed by his grace
help me, lord, your grace to empower
to let this your life in me burgeon and flower
trembling before you with heart so heavy
i offer you this brokeness that is within me
and so, i must remind myself of this very thing
to let go of this tapestry and give him everything

i've heard your voice calling out
from the day of my creation
it was muffled though
deadened by my innate transgressions
sins of a father and of a mother, too
sins of a fallen world encroaching
threatening to break through
and yet you remind me that i am saved,
i am made new

i am clean you say -
your blood - like water - rinsing me pure
but my heart can't wrap itself around it
too many sins and mistakes i'm sure
i will be ashamedly candid
and wonder how it could be
that love would come
so swift, so softly
yet still so powerful to save me

can i really unload this guilt upon you?
receive your blood and body broken?
my mind races.
why would you?
how could you?
save a wretch like me

yet i will praise you, my saviour, my Lord
for it's from infinite grace you've spoken
and from the depths of myself
you have saved me
restored this thread-bare soul
lifted me up from this oppression

and i am new

the ties that bind.

random acts of kindness
to one so seemingly undeserving
sporatic acquaintances met
momentous encounters with grace
a smile here, a consoling, understanding glance there
sacrifice and the gift of time
frendships forged where there is no rhyme nor reason
arriving in season, it was instantaneous
burgeoning as if by chance
joined in shared interests
holding close to His sacred romance
dreams collide
as if notes being played
in a beautiful masterpiece
yet to be composed
faith we hold onto
and dreams we let fly
laughter, a release
from the dark day gone by

i don't understand your ways, and perhaps i never will
i can't see past these scars of mine
these bruises and scabs still waiting to be healed

i'll never understand the way you love me
how you could see past my blood-stained scars
to see in me an undeserved worth and beauty
or how you could pursue me as i stumble in the dark

it's so hard to be still and find you in the silence
to trust you've got it all under control
it's so hard when i feel like i'm riding a fence
waiting on you to push me, to watch me fall and then soar

you're taking me down the road less travelled
the steps laid out before me are few
and in this haze i question if all will be well
can i find your hand in the midst of it, do i follow after you?

so grant me an unyielding hope
pour out Your grace like rain
shower Your love and fill to the outermost
this heart, this soul, to You may self be slain

who will speak into this heart of mine?
who will call it his prized desire?
who could challenge this love divine -
this love which creation's fall inspired?

from where will you come?
which path will lead me home to you?
when will Your will be done?
til then, Your hand i will strive to cling to

Lord, i need your light to guide me
out of these dark times i have traversed
shine bright onto this road, up and out of this valley
save me from this path and this self-imposed curse

i need Thee every hour
though too often i forget
you have promised on oath salvation's power
to redeem and fulfil til every need and want is met

i am weak, Lord, i need not confess
for You see plainly into this heart
still somehow beauty You find in this mess
as You hold me close, your love for me to impart

what could i have done to be honored like this
to sit at the King's table
to be rescued from death's steely kiss
the cost to save this life found now justifiable?

Come What May...

what dreams may come
to a heart like mine
broken and longing
to be found in Your Son

what fears may rise
flooding into my heart
who will come and rescue?
who will open these eyes?

what hope is found
at the foot of the cross
where dreams are tangible
as Your grace and mercy resound

Dear Sister...

[Edited: 2006/9.03]

the night lingers
dawn wrestles to rise
she's a bit groggy this morn
as she rubs the sleep from off her eyes

it's time to shake off the dust she thinks to herself
wipe the cobwebs clean from my mind
the day is calling
and it's time to start anew, to enter into the daily grind

but i urge you to look on with hope, dear sister
to the opportunities that lay ahead
"i would, but you see...
it's so hard to get out of bed!"

press on, dear sister
for though you aren't aware
you are where you were meant to be
more today than the day before

you are in the process of becoming
and believe me when i say
though it may seem to have only been a moment
you are more you now than you were just yesterday

so press on, dear sister
for grace and mercy are arising
with you and for you
faithfully fresh and new each beautiful morning

so i urge you
to please hear my plea
stand tall and walk on, dear sister
embrace the life and the morn that is calling you to become your very best ME

[I originally wrote the above one morning as I was struggling to get out of bed to make it to morning prayer. It was the first day that I could remember waking up before the sun]

Questions on the Mount

i'm wondering where You'll take this
and how far You'll see it through
by faith do i follow?
can i surrender and give in to You?

what is it You want from me?
and how much is it going to take?
will i find Your peace as You promised,
or is self-destruction lying in the wake?

i can't find my way alone
and i'm searching in the dark
confused by the voices
but it's Yours i want to hear most
here in my heart

i don't want fame
Yours is the one i'll treasure
help me, dear Lord, to seek You
the love that lasts forever

Lullaby for the Lonely

there's a chill in the air tonight
and i wonder as you dare me
to dream and to hope for things unfathomed

the rain falls now
gently rapping against my pane
the wind whispering across the night sky

it is the lullaby for the lonely
those who wander in silence
searching for the warmth of a lover's embrace

the rain calls me to sleep now
the wind whispers an urge to rest my head,
my heart and my mind

so to bed i must go and to my dreams i will retreat
and i will wait for you there -
in the sweet lullaby of the lonely.

Welcome to the new blog. I'll be posting some prose and other ramblings I've been writing over the past months here.

Bear with me as I'm not the most eloquent or poignant thinker...
Enjoy!